Friday 26 August 2011

Backpfeifengesicht

German, meaning a face that is crying out for a punch.

I was very amused when I found that word. Well, I would be if I currently had the emotional capacity for humour. You see, I am currently taking fluoxetine to treat my depression (moderately severe manic depression, to be precise. Yippee.). The "street name" for fluoxetine is Prozac. The doctor has prescribed me - of all people, me - Prozac. When I first started the course of medication, I suffered quite badly from minor side-effects such as nausea and confusion, gradually progressing onto worse ones such as aggression, agitation, insomnia and vivid dreams. While I still suffer a slightly reduced form of the bad side-effects, the nausea and confusion have subsided. The Prozac has left me with the emotional depth and capacity of a shot glass (a really small one that maybe small insects or single-celled oragnisms may use). That is, I am somewhat emotionless at the moment. It is strange, but it's pleasant not suffering as much stress and pain as usual.

However, it is somewhat worrying being on 40 milligrams of Prozac a day for the next year and a half (at the very minimum). It is also unnerving having the recent events of my life used by a therapist to explain why I am, and I quote verbatim; "self-obsessed and narcissistic to the point of psychotic delusion.". Beautiful.

Still, I'm on cognitive behavioural therapy, Prozac and sleeping pills, so with that beautiful cocktail of mind-altering medication, it has to do something good. One might hope. I've been on Prozac for the best part of nearly three months. But I feel like I've turned a bit of a corner. Not massively, but I'm celebrating the small victories because it's rare that I get a big win. Of course, there are some things that my therapist has said that I need to do that are physically out of my control, because they rely on someone else. But generally, I think the illness is manageable in the long-term. It's just a case of maintaining the constant mindset over the course of a long time.

I mean, it's unpleasant seeing life going so smoothly and easily for some people who really deserve some sort of backlash from karma. But I guess it'll come soon enough. That's another thing that's getting me right now; I know how much destruction I could cause with a few things that I know, but it's more a case of proving to myself that I can actually be a good person and not need to hurt people to make myself feel better (which is, incidentally, a symptom of narcissism).

Still, I guess it all just remains to be seen and whatnot. I know I've got enough close friends that aren't going to be bailing on me any time soon. Small victory #2.

"Depression is when you have lots of love, but no-one's taking."